Life

My fourth baby lost.  Unbelievable.  Didn't see that coming.  Wonder why?

I'm an uncomfortable pregnant person.  Constantly worrying over what I'm eating, what's that pain, what's that feeling, what's happening within me, what chemicals am I breathing? 

Would I be a good mother?  Or would I be selfish and wish for this life back?  I can't imagine that happening.  I'm so lost.  What is there to do?  Who am I but a Mother?  I was born to be a mother wasn't I?  I know I would be a good one.... why then is it not happening?   

I cannot be at peace with this life because it's boring.  

Work. Clean. Sleep. Eat. QVC. Work.  

Is there something that I'm supposed to be before I'm a mother?  

I see myself with children.  I need a big family.  Big Christmases.  Big Birthday celebrations.  Homework after supper.   Folding little clothes.  Bath times.  Chasing fireflies.  Saying "no" in the candy aisle.  Teacher conferences.  Doctors appointments.  Strep throat.  Band concerts.  Shopping for school clothes.  Watching babies sleep.  Tucking little heads in the bed. Drinks of water.  Baking cookies.  Decorating the Christmas tree.  Dying Easter eggs.  Vacation Bible school.  Summer vacations.  Car seats.  Swinging.  Hula hooping.  Piano lessons.  Dance classes.  Skinned knees.  Tummy aches. Listening to small breathes. Story time.  Worrying, pacing, loving, caring, sighing, laughing, exhaustion......

What else would I do?